You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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