I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
