I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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