What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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