my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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