Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
