i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
