Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
