I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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