i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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