guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
