i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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