tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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