You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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