Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
