You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
