listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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