i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
