I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
