my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
