my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
