You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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