my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
