im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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