everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
