her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
