I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
