He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
