Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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