I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
