I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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