everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
