You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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