did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
