id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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