He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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