just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I enjoy the company of your penis
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
