We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
