My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
