i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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