my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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