Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my mouth tastes like poor choices
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
