Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
