i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
