even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
