I'm sorry my penis didn't work
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
