Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm getting married
To pizza
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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