I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
