You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
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