I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
