dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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