In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize