Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
