Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
