sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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