Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
