I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
