I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
