If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
