Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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