I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
