The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize