I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Send help, water and tortillas.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
