the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
